England: A Land Lost

Dave Strawman folded his copy of the News of the Mail and slammed it down onto the sticky oak bar top in disgust. A handful of the quiet Yorkshire pub's patrons turned to see who was disturbing their Sunday roasts before continuing to eat.
"It's a bloody disgrace is that." Dave slurred as he lifted his third hard-won weekend pint to his lips.
"What's that Dave?" replied the kindly landlord with the nice waistcoat as he loaded glasses into the small under bar dishwasher.
"These bloody immigrants coming over 'ere and being offended by our bloody flag, and during the world bloody cup to boot."
"Oh aye," the barman again responded whilst pulling a new pint of ale for one of the older customers slouched at the end of the bar inhaling scampi. "I 'eard the police are going round pubs telling them not t'put flag up during the world cup, and to bar anyone in an England shirt."
"Bloody disgrace." Dave wittily observed. "'Ave they been round 'ere telling you to take these flags down?" He asked, gesturing to the 30 or Crosses of Saint George of various sizes draped around the modestly sized pub.
"Not yet, but I wouldn’t be bloody surprised if they did any day now."
"Political correctness gone bloody mad intit?" Dave asked rhetorically as he quaffed another three throatfulls of his pint. "These bloody Muslims, they all come over 'ere on the dole then they want to tell us what to do with our bloody flag. What right do these bloody Middle Easterns have telling us what to do with the Cross of Saint George?"
"Finds it bloody offensive do they?" The barman was clearly getting riled up at the thought of foreign people. "I find their bloody Muslim turbines offensive but you can bet your bloody giro the police won't be going round locking people up f'wearing THEM!"
"Madness! I've heard that they put a 10 year old lad in Lancaster in the cells for 2 nights because he wouldn't take his shirt off." Dave sharply summarised as ale dripped down his chin, mingling with the curry stains already soaked into the fabric of his faded red England away top.
"That is entirely plausible and I will accept this story at face value without need of further or indeed any evidence to support it." The clearly agitated barman stated.
"It's like when them bloody Eurocrats took our English ales away," Dave remarked as he slid his now empty glass towards the landlord "Another Old Peculier."
"I'll tell you one thing, I'll be buying this paper every bloody day from Imran's Corner Shop so I can find out what these bloody workshy foreigners will try and get banned next." The barman said as he held up Dave's copy of the News of the Mail, the headline BABY P MOTHER RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR BOYS AFGHAN DEATHS proudly displayed on the front page.
"You can have that one," Dave replied, pushing his stool away from the bar and getting to his feet. "I need to be off home."

Dave was half way to the pub's exit when he turned to the barman, his eyes bleary from the drink and his car keys jingling in his hand.
"There's a token on the back page," he called to the barman "for one o' them flags you can put on your car. I've already got 4 on mine so 'elp yourself."
The landlord called out a thank you to Dave as the man turned again and headed out. He turned to the back page to look for this token, finding it in the bottom left corner;
"News of the Mail England Car Flag only £1.50 with this token for every news of the Mail reader!"

The landlord began tearing the token, careful not to damage the surrounding article which sported the headline MUSLIM ASYLUM SEEKERS DON'T WANT YOU TO BUY CAR FLAGS.



Dedicated to England: 1966-2010

Why does the world even exist?

A fat kid in America has choked to death during a hotdog eating contest. TO RAISE. MONEY. FOR HAITI.

'contestants had to eat a hot dog covered in whipped cream to win a candy prize.'

Ok so, how can we tastefully raise money to provide food and medicine for a country who's infrastructure has been wiped out by earthquakes. I know, lets eat junk food, first one to eat their junk food wins more junk food. They could have at least used a more appropriate food, like jelly or upside-down cake, or only bring enough hotdogs for about 1/10th of the kids, and then make them fight each other for it. Why stop there, why not get a fucking bouncy castle and charge admittance? How about a water balloon fight to raise money for tsunami victims too while we're at it?

It's wrong to laugh though, after all somebody died. A very stupid somebody who came from a culture of very stupid people who laude eating what is essentially ground up pig stuffed into a 18th century condom. That's not entirely fair though, I'm sure the boy was very bright.
Apparently, 'Noah was a regular club attendee, where he was part of a college-bound program.' And people moan about university admittance being to easy in this country, at least our undergrads know how to fucking ingest food.

Besides which, why should I be expected not to laugh when even the news site I'm stealing this from doesn't take the story seriously. You click play on the video and get some coked up yank gushing on about it being valentines day and how you can get a million roses for 10 dollars from this florist or some shit. They could at least do appropriate adverts for the story at hand, advertising wreaths for example.


Anyway here's the link if you don't believe me, now I'm off to do a sponsored skydive to raise money for the Samaritans.

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-hot-dog-death,0,5153263.story

Up in the Air: A Review Of A Motion Picture.

-MILD SEXISM WARNING-

Never go and see a film starring George Clooney in the cinema. Why? Because it will be full of menopausal women yammering to each other as they jill off to George as he furrows his eyebrows and speaks in his dark chocolate voice. Honestly its like watching a film in a chicken coup. And you know what, there is only one valid text message you can send during a film and that is HLP BRNG MY HART PILLZ!! :o( xox. Why cant some people go 120 minutes without texting somebody. Are you THAT important that you cant afford to turn your fucking phone off for 2 hours? You aren't President of the United States, you aren't the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister wouldn't wear a single colour jogging suit unless he was actually jogging and it was 1986 you orange cow.

Anyway, Up in the Air. Clooney plays an axe for hire who gets paid to fire people. If you've seen that one film where the couple get off from car crashes, he's basically them, he sits at a desk stifling a boner as he tells people they don't have a job any more. His job has him flying all around America which he loves because really deep down he has no friends. He's also completely in love with airports, mostly because he gets to walk up and down them looking smugger than Piers Morgan's O-Face. But then oh shit! Turns out the company he works for is going to start firing people over Skype or some shit instead of flying poor smuggy George up and down all 50 states in first class, which would cut unnecessary costs for the company AND help curtail the excessive carbon emissions associated with domestic flying which would play a big part in tackling climate change. "Fuck That" thinks George, who in an effort to convince his boss that firing somebody over the internet is actually kind of a dickish thing to do, takes a horribly unlikeable young woman under his wing to show her the PROPER way to ruin someone's life. Looking on her IMDB page this girl is in Twilight which is appropriate because she looks like the kind of person who would read the books (i.e. 15 years old).
George also meets a love interest along the way, and in what I believe to be a brilliantly subtle dig at Clooney himself, she turns out to be exactly like him because deep down the only person he could ever love is himself. After comparing Airline Loyalty cards in a scene hauntingly reminiscent of the business card bit from American Psycho they proceed back to George's room where he has sex with her body double. Seriously, either it was the least convincing use of a body double in cinematic history or stem cell research has come along leaps and bounds. She has the face of a 50 year old and the body of a 12 year old. Boy. According to Wikipedia the actress is 36, but they don't specify which bit of her that is.

vvv SPOILERS LOL vvv
Anyway so the point of the film is that George is completely happy not being tied down with family, friends, a mortgage the rest of life's little limpets. Several times throughout the film people try and convince George that life isn't complete without these things and every time George concisely explains why he does not want these things. AND THEN. For no adequately explored reason George changes his mind. The stalker woman from Two and a Half Men is getting married or something and this prompts him to realise that he wants to marry that head-transplant patient he had sex with a few times. Oh and they burgle a school at one point.

So yeah it was a pretty clever film even though it does an inadequately explained U-Turn in the 91st minute. Go see it if you are bored or have £6 which you believe is haunted so you are desperate to get rid of it.



The Face of Deceit

Oh Shit Son A Blog.

Hello! I am writing to you from inside The Internet. The Internet is alot like life, in that if you have to pay to look at naked people you are doing it wrong. Another comparison is that between Andy Murray and the Falklands Islands, British people couldn't give a fuck about either unless there's a competition against foreigners on. Speaking of islands, Captain Corelli's Mandolin would have been much better if Mussolini had turned up on bass. Hitler could play rhythm guitar and Hirohito could do vocals. Hitler could do a mean solo, he really shreds that Ax(is). I had a mandolin once, but I went out for Tapas one night, came back and it had been stolen, made the papers and everything. A little known fact about the police search for Shannon Mathews is it took so long because every time they found her she kept declaring 'Mop 1 2 3 in Shannon'.

I'm writing this shit because I should be reading Great Expectations. Did Dickens give everyone funny names in his books as revenge for all the stick he took at school about his own name? I mean, imagine ACTUALLY having the word Les in your name. You know what though Charles, if you love children so much why don't you just marry them. That's another thing that fucks me off, politicians tell us not to murder each other while starting wars with other countries, yet if I touch up a 5 year old at a bus station, I'M the one they put in jail. Speaking of stupid statements, what's on the Daily Mail site this evening? (I AM LITERALLY JUST LOOKING RIGHT NOW! ITS LIKE WATCHING BADEIL AND SKINNER UNPLANNED!)

First headline, (I am going to put them in funny colours to disarm some of the seething hatred dripping from every letter)

'I had to stop hurting him because my arms were aching': Horrific confession of 11-year-old sadist who tortured two young boys

There's nothing really funny about that, except it happened in Doncaster, which sounds funny to say. Try putting a G in there if you don't believe me. Never mind I'll do it. Dongcaster. Its like the kind of sugar you'd use to bake an erotic cake. Next.

The first picture of Great Ormond Street's conjoined twins

Fuck me is it 1895 again? Pictures of conjoined twins? What's the next headline going to be, Man With Bag On Head Chased Down Tube Station, Claims Is 'not an animal!'

Soldier rejected from British Army wins top French Foreign Legion award for bravery

In a related story, a man who was rejected from appearing on Mastermind for being too thick has solved the Word Search in last Sunday's News of the World.

The return of rickets: Victorian disease on the rise due to poor diet and lack of exercise

You know I was joking before but I really do think that the Daily Mail is trying to bring back the 1800s. Probably the first 7 years before those bally abolitionists ruined their fun.

Diana's Spotify Account Hacked by Lefty Pro-Gay Darkies.

Yes a joke about how the Daily Mail reference Diana alot, but in my defence if the Daily Mail want people to stop taking cheap shots like this at them then maybe they should stop being everything that is wrong with society.

I'm done now, why not tell me YOUR favourite Daily Mail headline.