Up in the Air: A Review Of A Motion Picture.

-MILD SEXISM WARNING-

Never go and see a film starring George Clooney in the cinema. Why? Because it will be full of menopausal women yammering to each other as they jill off to George as he furrows his eyebrows and speaks in his dark chocolate voice. Honestly its like watching a film in a chicken coup. And you know what, there is only one valid text message you can send during a film and that is HLP BRNG MY HART PILLZ!! :o( xox. Why cant some people go 120 minutes without texting somebody. Are you THAT important that you cant afford to turn your fucking phone off for 2 hours? You aren't President of the United States, you aren't the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister wouldn't wear a single colour jogging suit unless he was actually jogging and it was 1986 you orange cow.

Anyway, Up in the Air. Clooney plays an axe for hire who gets paid to fire people. If you've seen that one film where the couple get off from car crashes, he's basically them, he sits at a desk stifling a boner as he tells people they don't have a job any more. His job has him flying all around America which he loves because really deep down he has no friends. He's also completely in love with airports, mostly because he gets to walk up and down them looking smugger than Piers Morgan's O-Face. But then oh shit! Turns out the company he works for is going to start firing people over Skype or some shit instead of flying poor smuggy George up and down all 50 states in first class, which would cut unnecessary costs for the company AND help curtail the excessive carbon emissions associated with domestic flying which would play a big part in tackling climate change. "Fuck That" thinks George, who in an effort to convince his boss that firing somebody over the internet is actually kind of a dickish thing to do, takes a horribly unlikeable young woman under his wing to show her the PROPER way to ruin someone's life. Looking on her IMDB page this girl is in Twilight which is appropriate because she looks like the kind of person who would read the books (i.e. 15 years old).
George also meets a love interest along the way, and in what I believe to be a brilliantly subtle dig at Clooney himself, she turns out to be exactly like him because deep down the only person he could ever love is himself. After comparing Airline Loyalty cards in a scene hauntingly reminiscent of the business card bit from American Psycho they proceed back to George's room where he has sex with her body double. Seriously, either it was the least convincing use of a body double in cinematic history or stem cell research has come along leaps and bounds. She has the face of a 50 year old and the body of a 12 year old. Boy. According to Wikipedia the actress is 36, but they don't specify which bit of her that is.

vvv SPOILERS LOL vvv
Anyway so the point of the film is that George is completely happy not being tied down with family, friends, a mortgage the rest of life's little limpets. Several times throughout the film people try and convince George that life isn't complete without these things and every time George concisely explains why he does not want these things. AND THEN. For no adequately explored reason George changes his mind. The stalker woman from Two and a Half Men is getting married or something and this prompts him to realise that he wants to marry that head-transplant patient he had sex with a few times. Oh and they burgle a school at one point.

So yeah it was a pretty clever film even though it does an inadequately explained U-Turn in the 91st minute. Go see it if you are bored or have £6 which you believe is haunted so you are desperate to get rid of it.



The Face of Deceit